Lord of the Rings Advice
by SiriousB1
Summary: The letter 'S' is a very common letter in the Lord of the Rings series: Saruman, Sauron, Samwise, songs, scary (at times)...well, add another 's' word to the list: SiriousB1. When trouble strikes, SiriousB1 will be there to help sort things out.
1. Eowyn and Samwise

Thank you to PDiane for your character and question.   
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I have absolutely fallen for this guy. I am doing everything I can to get his attention; I am crushing on him left, right and center. I am making it quite clear that I love him, and yet he ignores my advances! Why? Am I doing something wrong? I am not ugly, so I know that's not the problem – please help me! I am very frustrated.  
  
Sincerely,  
A Lovelorn Shield Maiden  
  
Dear Shield Maiden,  
  
The problem of love is a very frequent topic, isn't it? Yes, well…moving on. I can think of two reasons why he continuously ignores you: 1) He already has a girl that you do not know about. This is the easiest explanation, but not always the correct one. If he doesn't have a girl, and still ignores you, then he just isn't interested or looking. 2) He dislikes forward girls. If the latter is the case, then I suggest backing off from your "crushing on him left, right and center." Let him breathe a little! Try should playing "hard-to-get" instead of "LOOK AT ME AND MY BEAUTIFUL BODY!!!" And, on the issue of assuming you are beautiful, are you so sure? That could be ego talking. Take a poll or skip right to plastic surgery…just make sure you don't come out looking like Michael Jackson! Another idea: You say that you are a shield maiden. Perhaps it is because of your tomboy-ish actions that make him back down. Not all guys like loud, outspoken girls. Try letting him be dominant for a while and see his reaction. If all of the above fails, then assume that my first assumption was correct and he already has a girl.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Dear SiriousB1,

I am really worried about Master Fro...er, a friend of mine. He goes out every night and doesn't come back until early the next morning. His eyes seem to be red a lot and he is always laughing psychotically when any of us trip or drop something. Once he came home with this guy named "Zeke." He wasn't even a hobbit! He was a human! They were both laughing and talking about the faculty turning into aliens and something cherry-flavored. How can I confront him about this without accusing him or anything?

Signed,

Worried Hobbit

Dear Worried Hobbit,

Well, before you do anything, I suggest that you take a trip to your local Blockbuster and rend the movie "The Faculty." That might clear up the questions about aliens and...um...that "cherry-flavored" something. I suggest that you ask your friend about his situation straight out. Chances are he'll be so high that he'll tell you what's going on without thinking.

Sincerely,

SiriousB1

P.S.

If you get a chance, ask your friends to send some "white powder" out to me. Just ask him; he'll know what it means...

* * *

A/N: Well, here I am, returning to writing these lame advice columns. If anyone has a character (repeats are fine) or a problem that they would like to see featured, write them in the review or go to my Bio and e-mail them to me. Hell, if you want, you can send me a question or something that you want answered and I'll answer it under whatever category you want. In the subject box in e-mail, type in "advice" or I won't open it. I warn you now that I shall not be held responsible for any rude, crude or sexual content in my response. My advice column, my rules. 


	2. Sauron, Arwen and Rebecca Arwena

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I have spent soooo many years as an eye that I have totally forgotten how to pick up a girl. Could you lend me some of your expertise?  
  
From,  
Lonely Eye  
  
Dear Lonely Eye,  
  
Well, um, I regret to say that I have never "picked up a girl." Actually, I don't regret it. I swear to you all I'm straight! (Well, sort of...Halle Berry is very good-looking...;;, but we won't go there!) However, I can tell you that there is a very charming, blonde elf-prince who might be able to give you some tips on women, looks and whatever else you guys need to know about. Consider trying to find him with that Lonely Eye of yours.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to '.' for this idea.

Dear SiriousB1,

I am sooooooo depressed! I'm in love with this really rugged Ranger, who happens to be human. I am an elf. Though that's a problem in itself, that isn't what this letter is about. My guy is always running off with these other guys. This time it's an old dude, another human, a dwarf, a gorgeous elf (who I think might be gay, so I'm worried), and four midgets with hairy feet. How can I get him to come back to me?

Gratefully,

Jealous Elf-Babe

Dear Jealous Elf-Babe,

You must fight fire with fire. If he keeps running off with other men, leaving you jealous and alone, then you must run off with a group of women. As you are fretting his homosexuality, make him doubt yours. He'll become insanely jealous and come running back to you. Or he'll ask to see you and your "lesbian" friends in action. Either way you're likely to nab him.

Sincerely,

SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to Rebecca Arwena for her question. 

Dear SiriousB1,

I'm secretly engaged to this human; let's call him Ara. My father, an elf lord, is angry and won't let me marry him. Ara is on some weird crusade to destroy something and I want him here with me! What do I do to remedy my solution?

Your Friend,

Rebecca Arwena

Dear Rebecca Arwena,

An elf lord, huh? Must suck to piss him off, huh? But, let's do that anyway...if you are his daughter you must be some sort of elf lady or princess or something, right? That makes you as equally powerful as you father. I think that maybe you should get your city to start a strike against him. If you get the town to back you up on your love life, maybe he'll let you marry him. If that doesn't work, you could always run against him next election and set your own rules. Seriously! What would your town want: an old elf dude or a sexy elf princess? As to getting Ara back home, keep in mind that the lady is always in control. Drag his human ass back to you.

Sincerely,

SiriousB1


	3. Legolas and Saruman

Thank you to J for your character and question idea.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Like, oh my god! There is this guy, right? He travels with me and these seven other guys. (No, we are not GAY, you crazy Hentais!) We are on a quest to destroy this beautiful, pure gold ring. (It is beyond me why ANYONE would want to, though. It's so, like, awesome!) But, anyway, this guy, right? He is, like, a big traveler man; they call him a Ranger. But, I hear that he is also a king. A KING! Isn't that, like, so cool? I'm only a prince, so I really look up to him! So, anyway, he's like, really cool and all, but he has one MAJOR flaw: he, like, NEVER washes his hair!!!! It is, like, so totally disgusting! I get the chills just thinking about it! His hair is so greasy, it's, like, so gross! His hair is slimier than, like, a dwarf stuck in the Dead Marshes! EWWWW!!!! Like, how can I get him to wash his hair? Well, it's, like, not JUST his hair. His whole body smells so totally rotten! I don't think any of my friends can even stand to go within ten feet of him! Please help!  
  
Hugs and Kisses,  
Sexy Blonde Elf Prince  
  
P.S.  
You KNOW you want me!  
  
Dear Sexy Elf,  
  
Um, that is really gross. That sounds like Professor Severus Snape two hours after he took a shower. You and those seven other dudes need to get him to take a bath! And I am just the one to tell you how...first, lure him toward a lake. Tell him that you want to camp by the water or something. Once there, get the strongest one of you to toss him in! Give him Dial soap, a sponge and a lot of Prell! I mean, if you want to you can strip him and THEN throw him in the water. But you have already indicated that you don't swing that way, so I figured that you wouldn't want to do that. I mean, if you change your mind you could, or if one of your friends really wants to see that, be my guest! Oh, by the way, if he tries to get out of the water, threaten that he'll never be able to reach even the lowest standards of a King. That should get him going! (That or that he'll never pick up a chick in his life...)  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
Yeah, I know I want you...me and half a million other fangirls on this planet.

* * *

Thank you to cookie-crazy for your character and question idea. 

Dear SiriousB1,

No matter how many times I straighten it...no matter how many times I blow-dry it...no matter how many orcs I get to brush it, it still is frizzy! My hair, my long, white beautiful hair is crimping! I don't understand why, either. Just last week, the leader of the Urak-hai commented me on how lovely my hair looked as it hung long and straight on my shoulders. And yet, a few days ago, I woke up and it was poofy! I looked into my mirror and it was almost standing up! I got out my brush and tried to brush it straight, but it remained frizzy! I called Super Cuts in my Palantir, but as soon as I walked out of the door after my appointment it began to curl again! Puts hand to head WAH! And now, to make matters worse, it seems that it is falling out! I guess that if I pull it all out it won't be frizzy anymore, but then I'd be bald! I couldn't stand the shame! What should I do about my hair? How can I stop it from being frizzy and watches a large clump fall to the floor stop it from falling out? GIVE ME THE GUIDANCE THAT I SEEK OR I SHALL CURSE YOU FOREVER!

Signed,

Evil Bad Wizard Man

Dear Redundant Wizard,

Frizzy hair, huh? Hm...it seems to me that someone has cursed you. Gandalf, perhaps? I've known some people who have suffered the Frizzy Hair Curse, and I know that it isn't pretty. I don't want to make rain thunder on your hopes, but all of them went insane. Yes, I will never forget the day when they came out of the hospital. Talked to themselves, they did. Saying something about having seen the light...anyhow, the only way to cure this horrible fate is to have the one who cast it upon you remove it. I suggest that you talk to Gandalf (I'm just going to assume that it was him) about it. You know, do a favor for him. Return to the good side (that sounded like Star Wars...) or something like that. Just strike up some sort of bargain with him! Oh, and about losing your hair, I don't think that that is another curse. It's most likely just old age. My friend's father uses Rogaine and it seems to have good results, so you should go buy a bottle of that. Good luck! Snicker

Sincerely,

SiriousB1


	4. Treebeard and Gollum

Thank you to Dil for the next two characters and questions.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I am an Ent. We speak very slowly, and because of that it takes a long time for those we speak to, to understand. I have two Hobbits nidificating in my branches, and I think they have infested me with termites. I know I have termites – yesterday they attacked Pippin. The little ones don't know what to do, Merry's "Poke them with a Stick" idea prompted the attack. I considered asking the Ringbearer when we meet with him, but I'm afraid Sam would kill me, thinking I was trying something. The elf may know what to do, but I believe he's near Helm's deep at this point. What should I do?  
  
Signed,  
Treebeard(at)FangornForest.tree  
  
Dear Ent,  
  
Let all the termites attack Merry and Pippin. In turn, they (the hobbits) will hopefully jump into a river or some other body of water. Hell, you could skip all that and jump in a lake yourself, but then you'd be deprived of seeing two hobbits jumping around in circles screaming, "AAHHH!! Get 'em off me! Get 'em the fuck away from me!" If you don't think that your efforts will be very effective, you could try calling the Orkin Man or whatever the hell that guy is called. But, if you do that, then you'd have to pay extra…and nobody wants to do that, do they? Oh, and do you really think that Sam _could_ kill you? Squash the little bugger!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Dear Sirious,  
  
Gollum is lonely. Gollum has placed a personal ad, but nobody seems interested in dating small cave dwelling creature with jewelry fetish. We has taken up talking to ourselves in the third person. Practicing new hobby of stalking hobbit who took our Precious, but believes Sam would kill us if we tried anything. Nasty hobbitses. Has you any advice for us?

Signed,

Slimey Yet Satisfying (at) Small Dark Cave.ring

Dear Slimy yet Satisfying,  
  
Always lie when placing personal ads in the newspapers. Say you're a sexy, yet suave man with a lot of money to buy jewelry for the girl of your dreams. I'd like to be there when your date comes to the door, but I couldn't reveal what the who the mysterious SiriousB1 really is, now, could I?  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
If you really want to date a person who shares some similar characteristics as yourself, I'm sure that Jaken would be flattered if you called him. I know his e-mail: Big-Eyed-Toad-Thing (at) InuYasha-is-a-Butt-head.staff 


	5. Boromir

Thank you to Dil for your character and question...I do believe this one is my favorite.

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I'm a little concerned. I knew the pull of the Ring was strong, but I didn't think it could cause delirium. Last night I was visited by three odd-looking redheads whose names all started with "K", claiming to be spirits of violence. The spirit of Violence Past was a pleasant young swordsman with a scar on his cheek called Kenshin, who showed me a whole bunch of weird flashbacks from wars and crap, apparently what happened to people who gave into the Ring. The second, Violence Present, looked basically like Past with green eyes and a pink pantsuit instead of a pink dress. He called himself Kurama and showed me what we were in the middle of. Like I didn't know! The third was a big oaf called Kuwabara, who showed me the future if I gave into the Ring. I really don't want to die in a bleeding heap due to multiple Orc-induced puncture wounds, although the idea of being kissed by Aragorn is strangely attractive, but I'm facing down this Uruk-Hai dude right now, and would appreciate some advice. Is it maybe spoiled Lambas bread? Bad water? Sleep deprivation? Please tell me how to stop the hallucinations!  
  
Yours truly,  
Not on LSD  
  
Dear Has to be on LSD,  
  
Actually, you're not on LSD. I regret to inform you that you have developed what we like to call the Anime Virus. It is unknown how it is caused, but it is positively known that there is no cure and nearly always fatal. I myself caught it when I was young, flipping through channels on the television. I happened to stop on Cartoon Network and that happened to be playing a show called Sailor Moon. Then it just struck. It can strike anywhere and at any time, and no one knows how or why. You happen to be at the second stage. The first stage is just where you watch it on TV. Then, the second stage develops when you start seeing the characters in your sleep. (Why are you dreaming about guys, by the way?) Soon it becomes the third stage, where you buy the DVDs and VHSs of all your favorite anime(s). Then, you buy merchandise. Then you go as your favorite character for Halloween. Then you go to a convention, at which stage you also join a club. Then you start a website. Then you DIE! I happen to be doing very well stuck at the 6th stage. I'd be on the final stage, if it weren't for the fact that I've also contracted the Lord of the Rings virus. They are always trying to kill each other inside me. I am very sorry about your new virus. I only hope that you can have fun with that kiss from your secret crush (the scruffy ranger dude) before the virus takes over your life permanently. Good luck and may God and her majesty be with you. (See, there is another part of the anime virus…quoting from the episodes! AAAHHHH!! ALL SHALL PERISH!! THE END IS NIGH!!!)  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1


	6. Gimli and Alone in Gondor

Thank you to Bume for your questions and character.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I've met this gorgeous elf and I'm positive this is the one, the only problem is he doesn't seem to notice any of my advances even when I've offered myself to this terrible quest to Mordor, what should I do? I don't want to ruin our precious friendship by saying something he may find unappreciated!  
  
Yours truly,  
Braids-in-the-bear-are-cute (at) Durin.dwarf  
  
Dear Braids,  
  
I am going to assume that you are a dwarf (God knows the phrase "Durin.dwarf" was a dead giveaway.) It is unusual for elves and dwarves to develop friendships, let alone relationships. I must congratulate you. To get him to notice you more, I suggest you bathe often using Herbal Essence shampoo and conditioner. In addition to paying attention to your physical appearance, keep a positive attitude about your relationship; be optimistic about it and hope for the best. To get him to appreciate you more, you should buy him hair and cosmetic products. I hear that elves are sticklers for beauty products…  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to Alone in Gondor for your character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
My guy friend has run off on some strange quest because of a dream he and his brother had. I hear that he is now traveling with a wizard, an elf, a dwarf, another guy and four little creatures that call themselves "hobbits." (I've never heard of them before and, quite honestly, the prospect that there are little people with fury feet running around is disturbing at best.) Anyway, I miss him terribly and have started to have disturbing visions of his death. What should I do?  
  
Sincerely,  
Alone in Gondor  
  
Dear Alone,  
  
You must go find him! If he's still alive, then you and he can go back to Gondor together and party! If he is dead, then you need to open a psychic booth in your town. Not some cheap, fraud like Ms. Cleo, but a real psychic like Genkai. (Don't ask.) And about those "hobbits"…they scare me too, but the one who saved the world with crack-filled-pens is dead sexy.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	7. Eomer and Elrond

* * *

Thank you to Ailsa Joy for your character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I really need your help. I cannot control my anger and because of it, I appear to have been kicked out by my own Dad. There's this weird, creepy, eyebrow-less guy who keeps calling my sister "sweet cheeks" and "hot mamma" and somehow, I don't know how, but I ended up throwing him to the floor and smashing his head on the flagstones. Please help me control my rage about this issue so I can return to my Dad's court and be a loving, armor-wearing, nifty-hair-styled son again.  
  
Sincerely,  
Underappreciated Son of Eomund  
  
Dear Underappreciated Son,  
  
Count to ten slowly a whenever you feel the urge to kill something. But I really am not a good anger-management person; go find Jack Nicholson…  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to Chicki45 for your character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
My daughter is about to make the biggest mistake of her life. She is going to give up her immortality for a MORTAL man. And she is refusing to come back to the dying lands with me to see her sick mother!! Is this just a case of three thousand year old rebellion? Is there any way I can make her see what kind of mistake she is making?  
  
Sincerely,  
Un-approving Daddy from Rivendell  
  
Dear Un-approving Daddy,  
  
I think you should just let her go. She is old enough to make her own decisions. Besides wouldn't it get annoying spending 3,000 years with your daughter anyway? Think of all the PMS!!!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	8. Faramir and Aragorn

Thank you to Chicki45 the two next characters and questions.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Ok, here's the problem. There is this awesome shield maiden chick that I have fallen absolutely head over heals in love with, but she is lusting after some dirty ranger/kind man. What can I do to get her to notice me?  
  
Sincerely,  
Un-favored Son of a Pyro  
  
Dear Un-favored,  
  
You say your dad is a pyro? Burn the dirty sucker ranger man to a crisp! Ahem, um, if you are hoping for something a little less violent and do not feel like causing his death and making it look like an accident, then I suggest that you send her some sort of love letter signed Anonymous. In the note, write of a secret meeting time just between you and her. When she comes, confess your feelings of love to her. If that doesn't work, a good, old-fashioned serenade always makes a girl's heart flutter. Trust me, I've been there…  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Ok, so I'm in love with this awesome elf chick, but her dad won't let me anywhere near her!! He is constantly trying to break us up, even though she promised to be my wife and give up her immortality and everything! What should I do about him??  
  
Signed,  
Scruffy Ranger Man  
  
P.S.  
I don't want to do anything harsh since he is my adopted step-father.  
  
Dear Scruffy,  
  
If your girlfriend's father is caring enough to adopt you and if he truly loves his daughter, then he should accept the fact that you two want to be together for the rest of your lives. If you can't convince him using the above argument, go elope in Las Vegas!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
If he is your adopted step-father, doesn't that make her your step-sister? Eww, strange incest!  
  
P.P.S.  
Your name sounds like some superhero that never made it into print. Just so you know… 


End file.
